by Barbara Pease & Allan Pease

Nagging is a term used almost exclusively by men to describe women.

Most women deny they nag. They see themselves as reminding the males in their lives to do the things that must be done: household chores, taking their medication, fixing broken things and picking up their mess. Some nagging is considered constructive. Where would many men be without a woman in their lives cajoling them not to drink too much beer and eat too much fast food and, if they can't stop, to make sure they exercise and take regular cholesterol tests? Nagging might even, at certain times, keep them alive.

If men nag, however, that's viewed very differently by society. Men are not naggers. They're assertive, they're leaders, and invariably they're passing on their wisdom—and gently reminding women of the path to take if they happen to forget along the way. Sure, they criticize, find fault, moan and complain, but it's always for the woman's benefit. The repetition of their advice, like "Read the map before you set off! How many times must I tell you?" and "Can't you make more of an effort with how you look when my friends come round?" shows admirable persistence and, above all, shows that they care.

Women, similarly, feel that nagging shows that they care, but men rarely see it in the same light. A woman will chide a man about throwing wet towels on the bed, peeling off his socks and leaving them all around the house, and not remembering to take out the garbage. She knows she's being irritating, but believes the way to get through to a man is by repeating, over and over, the same instructions until they one day, hopefully, sink in. She feels the things she's complaining about are based on truth so, while she knows she's being annoying, she feels justified in continuing. A woman's female friends won't see her as nagging either—they'll see the man as lazy or hard to handle and feel nothing but sympathy for his long-suffering partner.

The nagger always hopes their victim will be motivated into some positive action by being made to feel guilty. They hope he'll be spurred into action, if not by realizing he is in the wrong, then maybe simply to stop the tirade. Women know they nag, but that doesn't mean they enjoy it. Usually they're only doing it as a means to an end.

Some women have turned nagging into an art form. We have identified five basic nags:

THE SINGLE SUBJECT NAG: "Kurt, how about taking out the trash?" A pause. "Kurt, you said you'd take out the trash." Another five minutes later. "What about that trash, Kurt? It's still sitting there."

THE MULTIPLE NAG: "The grass in front of the house looks a mess, Bob, the doorknob is falling off the bedroom door, and the back window is still stuck. When are you going to wash the car and . . ."

THE BENIFICIAL NAG: "Have you taken your pills today, Ray? And stop eating that pizza—it's bad for your cholesterol and weight . . ."

THE THIRD-PARTY NAG: "Well, Moira says Shane has already got their BBQ cleaned out and they're having people over tomorrow. Summer will be finished at the rate you're going."

THE ADVANCE NAG: "Well, I hope you're going to watch your drinking tonight, Dale. We don't want a repeat of last year's fiasco."

Usually, women laugh hardest at these descriptions. They recognize themselves and their words, but still they see no real alternative.

When nagging gets out of hand, the nagger's relationships with others can really suffer. Men may ignore her even more, which will only fuel her irritation and, sometimes, rage. She may end up feeling alone and may become resentful and miserable. When it gets out of hand, it's been known to destroy relationships completely.

From a male standpoint, nagging is a continual, indirect, negative reminder about the things he hasn't done, or about his shortcomings. It happens mainly at the end of the day when a man needs fire-gazing time.

The more the nagger nags, the more the victim retreats behind the kind of defensive barriers that drive the nagger crazy. These barriers include newspapers, computers, homework, a gloomy face, amnesia, apparent deafness and TV remote controls. No one likes being on the receiving end of subdued rage, ambiguous messages, self-pity and blame or having guilt continually thrust at them. Everyone avoids the nagger, leaving her alone and feeling resentful. When she starts feeling even more trapped, unrecognized and isolated, the victim may suffer even more.

The more the nagger nags, the more isolated she becomes.

The only real outcome from nagging is the destruction of the relationship between the nagger and the victim because the victim feels he has to continually defend himself.

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PS. I really wanna go back to the time when B and I were still dating.